The Lessons I’ve Learned From My Friends’ Expensive Divorces

My girlfriend and I treat the outside of our apartment fridge like one big collage.

In the past few years, after attending wedding after wedding after wedding, we have unwittingly created a standing scrapbook of “Save the Date!” magnets and floral-patterned invitations, among other gilded mementos. But recently, we decided it was time to give the fridge collage a refresh. And in doing so, we realised something depressing: The majority of the happy-looking couples pictured were either now divorced, breaking up or in the process of seriously re-evaluating their relationship.

As a friend, I’ve learned so much from my newly divorced pals, and I admire the resilience, optimism and strength they demonstrated in the face of their breakups. But as a personal-finance columnist, I have also taken a lot of money lessons from these new divorcées—and I believe the insight is relevant to more than just other married couples.

One friend was able to rely on her prenuptial agreement to save her close to $100,000 in the wake of a speedy split; another woman I know escaped a financially abusive relationship with less than a grand to her name remaining in her savings account.

Darla Gale , a California-based therapist and founder of Heartstrings Counseling, says she often talks with clients about making meaning from these relationships and the accompanying financial fallout. Sharing lessons and experiences is one way to do so. “Money comes up a lot in my practice, because financial hardships are one of the reasons for divorce,” she says. “It can be very empowering to say, ‘I can do this on my own. I just didn’t have the tools to do it on my own.’ ”

Together isn’t always better

The dissolution of a relationship can bring a host of financial lessons that shape how we talk about money in our relationships going forward—whether we were the bride, the groom or the smiling person snapping a selfie with the cake.

In my previous reporting, I’ve researched quite a bit about just how beneficial it can be for couples to combine finances. Studies show this enables them to maximise their potential to grow wealth and even leads to both partners feeling happier in the relationship.

But after witnessing their first wave of divorces, many younger people are embracing a different approach. “I’m doing a lot of prenuptial agreements for people who are younger, and they are for the most part wanting to keep their money separate, which is interesting and very different from the way prenups were done 10 to 20 years ago,” says Lisa Zeiderman , a New York-based divorce lawyer.

Gale says she now often sees couples doing both: sharing expenses in one joint account, for example, while still maintaining separate funds “so it doesn’t feel like one person is more in control.”

Inspired by this approach, my girlfriend and I have adopted something similar. To save for a down payment on a future house, we contribute near-equal amounts to a joint high-yield savings account that we opened together. We also share a credit card to use when we buy groceries, pay our dog’s vet bills or handle other shared expenses.

But at the same time, we both maintain separate checking accounts and saving accounts, for our own individual needs. This way, should disaster ever strike, we’re both able to maintain a level of personal autonomy and build our own lives anew.

After all, as Gale put it, “Autonomy equals equality.”

Older is better…and worse

Here’s the good news I’ve learned while looking at divorce through a personal (and personal-finance) lens: On the whole, millennial couples are actually divorcing at lower rates than people of previous generations at similar ages.

Economist Brett House , a professor of professional practice in the economics Division at Columbia Business School, attributes this decline to two important things: Millennials are getting married at later ages. And they’re likelier to have received more education by the age of their first marriage.

But waiting to tie the knot doesn’t protect you against the financial fallout of a divorce—if anything, marrying later means both parties might have had more time to accumulate more assets that could lead to financial conflict once split.

“People may be more mature and more aware of themselves and clearer about what they want from a relationship than was the case in earlier years,” House says.

Gale recommends clearly stating those financial priorities at the start of a relationship, when everything still seems rosy. “Don’t be sneaky about it, but go into the relationship and say ‘I’m going to have a separate bank account, whether that is for going out or having a ‘fun’ fund but autonomy is really important to me,’ ” she says.

And watch your potential partner’s reaction to such a conversation—that can also inform your decision to build a life with them.

Don’t compromise your career

In her many years advising women and working in divorce courts, Zeiderman says she often gives young to-be-married women the same advice: Don’t lose sight of your career.

Zeiderman has seen firsthand how difficult it is for many people, in compromising their own professional trajectories, to rebuild their earnings post-divorce.

“So many decide, frankly, to let the other person build their career and then at the end of the day, you cannot make up for this in spousal support, you cannot make up for it in the distribution of their assets,” she said. “Stay in the workforce. You must.”

We like to think that is easy to do, but in practice, both partners prioritising their careers isn’t easy.

This summer, I’ll have just embarked upon a new career as a freelance writer and podcast host; at the same time, my girlfriend, also a journalist, will be traveling throughout France covering the summer Olympics. We talked in advance about how important this summer will be for us, work-wise, and agreed that although our relationship—and our patience!—may be tested, affording each other some grace during this high-pressure time will go a long way. Building our careers will benefit our household bottom line, but it’s also insurance for both of us.

The ‘what if we broke up’ talk

“The forethought is easier to do when things are good,” Zeiderman told me. And her words stuck with me.

I thought back to the dozens of conversations I’ve had with my divorced friends. So many of them regretted never discussing money goals, habits or strategies with their partners in advance of marriage. Far too often, they said, they worried bringing up finances would dampen the excitement of the honeymoon phase; then, months or years later, the unsaid words curdled and soured with resentment.

My girlfriend and I keep a standing monthly “money date” on the calendar. We make the time to curl up on the couch, just the two of us, and review our household finances. For us, that looks like going over the bank statement and checking on progress made toward our financial goals. On past money dates, we’ve compared prices for coming purchases, paid down debt and even shared how things stand in our separate personal accounts.

No one likes paying bills or calculating debt totals, but we work hard to make the process as painless as possible. But this coming month, I think the topic I have planned may be our most uncomfortable one yet.

That’s because, inspired by Zeiderman and Gale, this time I have something particularly “special” planned for our money date: the “What if we broke up?” conversation.

I want to plan out how we would divide our shared assets and then put these details in writing—together. If something were to happen in the future, we could hopefully put aside our differences to rely on this plan and make the detangling of our finances much simpler.

Luckily for me, my girlfriend knows me well enough by now to see the romance hiding in this gesture.

Note: Usual Northern Sea Route shown for illustrative purposes Source: Sea Legend Daniel Kiss/WSJ

Shipping cargo through an Arctic shortcut never made economic sense—until now.

Climate change and war in the Middle East are flipping the math that previously kept ships plying longer routes from Asia to Europe. A Chinese company on Saturday is starting the first regular cargo service to Europe through Arctic waters, seeking to reap the benefits of quicker travel time and less fuel use.

The shipper Sea Legend will dispatch the Dubai Tower from Ningbo, China, to Felixstowe in the U.K. on what it calls the Arctic Express, following a route along Russia’s north coast. The voyage by the vessel, which is capable of carrying 1,740 20-foot containers, is the biggest commercial step in the Arctic since a Maersk containership first completed the route in 2018.

Global warming is a big factor behind the new route, but it is not the only one. Nearly half the Arctic region’s summer ice—an area four times the size of Texas—has melted over five decades, clearing a fairly reliable path in the summer months. Meanwhile, high oil prices and attacks by Houthi rebels in the Red Sea have made the traditional routes costlier and more dangerous.

Members of China's 16th Arctic Ocean scientific expedition team take selfies on the ice surface. — Members of a Chinese scientific expedition team on surface ice in the Arctic Ocean this week. Wen Jinghua/Xinhua/ZUMA Press

Beyond that, Beijing has ambitions to play a role in the Arctic’s future, lending a geopolitical dimension to the Chinese company’s shipping route.

Last year Sea Legend completed a trial run from Asia to Europe in a record 20 days. That is roughly half the time of a voyage via Africa’s Cape of Good Hope that many carriers now take because of the Red Sea uncertainty.

Fuel accounts for 70% or more of the costs while at sea, said Alan Murphy, a former Maersk analyst who runs research firm Sea-Intelligence.

Saving fuel by shortening the journey doesn’t automatically make a route profitable. Insurance premiums for the Arctic are 40% higher than the Cape of Good Hope route, said Jonathan Steenberg, an economist at credit insurer Coface. Sea Legend’s Arctic vessels are relatively small. And even after warming, an icebreaker is still sometimes needed to help the cargo ship.

But if the ship can go without an icebreaker, Coface said the Arctic route is now cheaper than a Cape of Good Hope voyage in some circumstances. It estimated that at current oil prices of around $90, the cost of shipping liquid bulk such as liquefied natural gas could drop roughly 33% compared with the Cape of Good Hope route, while dry bulk goods such as cereals would cost about 8% less.

The container ship Istanbul Bridge being unloaded by large blue and red cranes at the port of Gdansk. — A containership operated by Sea Legend in the port of Gdansk, Poland. jackowski/epa/Shutterstock

The route is only passable in the summer and fall. Sea Legend plans eight voyages between August and late October, before conditions get too icy.

“It’s not the Suez Canal but it’s a significant number for the Arctic. It shows there is potential,” said Malte Humpert, founder of the U.S.-based Arctic Institute and author of a book on Chinese shipping in the Arctic.

Even in summer, ships have to navigate around dangerous ice floes and deal with rapidly changing weather. By the end of the shipping season in October, the sky is dark most of the time.

A Russian tanker suffered serious damage to its hull while sailing along the Arctic route despite being assisted by an icebreaker, its insurer, AlfaStrakhovanie, said Thursday, adding that it paid out roughly $650,000.

Coface estimates 3.5% of trade among East Asia, Europe and North America will be able to use Arctic routes within the next five years, representing $64 billion in goods.

Last summer, a record 23 cargo ships transited the Northern Sea Route, which hugs Russia’s north coast. That is tiny compared with the Suez Canal, where more than 30 ships transited daily.

Western companies that want to follow in Sea Legend’s path have to navigate treacherous politics. Russia claims sovereignty over the entire Northern Sea Route and permits for ship traffic are issued by its state-controlled nuclear operator, Rosatom.

Aerial view of a port with many cargo ships, red cranes, and rows of stacked shipping containers. — The Dubai Tower’s route will begin in the Chinese port of Ningbo. Huang Zongzhi/ZUMA Press

“Western companies are in a tricky position,” said Humpert of the Arctic Institute. “At what point do they jump back in the water? When does it become economically necessary, and how do you weigh that against environmental risks and the political dimension?”

An alternative Arctic route, the Northwest Passage that connects the Atlantic and Pacific oceans via the Canadian Arctic, is less passable because it is dominated by narrow waterways where ice gets bunched up. The highest number of cargo ships completing the passage in a year was 13, in 2023.

China has declared itself a near-Arctic state despite not having access to Arctic waters. It depends on Russia’s goodwill to use the Northern Sea Route.

“Beijing is concerned that if they don’t establish a significant strategic presence in the Arctic now, it’s going to be more difficult in the future,” said Marc Lanteigne, expert in polar geopolitics at the Arctic University of Norway in Tromsø. However, he said, “China needs to be careful not to give the impression that they are trying to challenge the strategic order in the Arctic.”

Sea Legend didn’t respond to requests for comment.

Any polar venture contributes to China’s quest to master Arctic travel. The country also has three icebreakers and a support vessel currently on a monthslong scientific expedition north of Greenland. Scientific and commercial voyages can yield data about natural resources awaiting below melting ice caps and information for positioning nuclear-armed submarines.

The Lessons I’ve Learned From My Friends’ Expensive Divorces

So many couples I know have broken up, or contemplating it. It has given me a lot to think about for my own relationship.

Together isn’t always better

Older is better…and worse

Don’t compromise your career

The ‘what if we broke up’ talk

China is launching the first regular Arctic cargo route to Europe, offering faster journeys and lower fuel costs as melting ice and Red Sea risks reshape global shipping.