Don’t You Dare Call Me Without Texting First

For some people, there is nothing more delightful than the surprise ringing of a phone that signals someone is thinking about them. For others, there is nothing ruder, more intrusive or panic-inducing than an unannounced call. You are out of your mind—and possibly not in their life—if you’re not sending them a text first.

Phone-call etiquette has never been more complicated. Family members, co-workers, spouses and friends can’t agree on whether it’s OK to call someone without first alerting them via text that you plan to call.

The debate is intensifying: the more entrenched texting has become, the more people have come to find a phone call without warning unacceptable. Those who call without warning, in turn, find the phone-call-phobic rigid to the point of absurdity: calls aren’t “unannounced”—the ringing is the announcement, with more than 100 years of precedent.

“I just don’t think calling is that big of a deal,” says Aparna Paul, 41, of North Easton, Mass., director of communications for a nonprofit.

She frequently calls friends and family out of the blue. Once when she needed to get a work task done that required contacting a colleague, she dialed him up without texting or emailing first.

“The co-worker was very annoyed that I called him,” she says. “Extremely annoyed.”

Paul is flummoxed by the shift toward some unwritten rule that a phone call must be a planned event: “To me it’s a little bit narcissistic to think your time is so important that I have to pencil myself into your schedule for a two-minute call.”

Expectations for communicating by phone tend to fall along generational lines, though outliers exist. Those who grew up with landlines and can remember having to pick up a phone to know who was on the other end often aren’t as perturbed by an unannounced call. People who’ve been texting away on cellphones since high school expect a heads up.

Preference for text messaging is highest among those aged 18 to 24, followed by those 25 to 34, according to a December survey from YouGov. Among 2,000 white-collar professionals surveyed by recruiting firm Robert Walters in March, just 16% of those who are Gen Z—those born between 1997 to 2012—thought the phone was a productive form of professional communication.

Merci Grace, 39, an investor in San Francisco, finds unannounced calls intrusive. She would just as soon not receive unscheduled calls—or calls of any kind—unless there is a specific reason.

Her husband finds specific reasons to call her all the time.

While she was in Fresno with her sisters recently, he called twice in quick succession: the first to tell her something the dogs had done. The second call prompted concern from one sister.

“I had to tell her, ‘Oh, he’s Gen X, he just calls me when he absolutely could have and should have texted me,’” says Grace. “I have found it’s healthy for my marriage to not try to change his behaviour.”

Yanda Erlich, Grace’s husband, considers phone calls among his love languages.

“I like hearing her voice,” says Elrich, 46, chief revenue officer of an AI startup. “I like her.”

Diana Fox, 38, of Miami Beach, Fla., finds calling more efficient than texting and then sitting around waiting to schedule the call. As the founder of Odyssey Gaming, which makes online games, her work is often time-sensitive. She doesn’t buy the argument that calls are intrusive and has found herself explaining to business partners that there’s a decline button they’re welcome to use.

“The person doesn’t have to pick up the call,” she says.

Whether it’s socially acceptable to still be calling people without texting remains an open question for descendants of etiquette guru Emily Post.

“I don’t think we’re going to land on one side of this issue or the other,” says Daniel Post Senning, a spokesperson for the Emily Post Institute. (Emily was his great-great-grandmother.)

Factors that must be considered include the relationship you have with the person and whether they have expressed a preference about how to communicate, he says. Senning is OK with friends and family calling him without texting first but not strangers.

“If I were to ask the world a favour, I would ask people that have never communicated with me, if they got access to it, not to use that direct number,” he says.

Stevie Steinberg, 24, an electrical engineer in San Francisco, doesn’t have an issue with unexpected calls because no one in his life would ever call him unless a call was agreed upon over text first. This includes his parents, brother and friends. The exception is if while making plans there have been so many texts that it’s faster to get on the phone; even then there’s an understanding that a call might be coming.

The three times Steinberg can think of when he received calls without first being notified by text, someone had died. He now associates unplanned calls with emergencies and generally bad things.

“If I was driving and I got a call from, I don’t know, someone who lives near me maybe, I’d think my apartment was on fire,” he says.

Vanessa Lincoln, 24, often calls friends without texting first. She’s especially partial to a surprise FaceTime.

“A lot of people in my generation have phone anxiety. They get freaked out by the idea of answering the phone,” says Lincoln, who lives in New York City and works at a consulting firm. “I’ve never been like that.”

Sometimes when Lincoln and her parents, in Washington state, are done talking over FaceTime, they stay on the call—spending time together, cooking or doing things around the house.

“I kind of like FaceTime because you don’t have to be talking,” says Lincoln. “You can kind of just hang out… I don’t know if that is a normal thing to do.”

As Paris makes its final preparations for the Olympic games, its residents are busy with their own—packing their suitcases, confirming their reservations, and getting out of town.

Worried about the hordes of crowds and overall chaos the Olympics could bring, Parisians are fleeing the city in droves and inundating resort cities around the country. Hotels and holiday rentals in some of France’s most popular vacation destinations—from the French Riviera in the south to the beaches of Normandy in the north—say they are expecting massive crowds this year in advance of the Olympics. The games will run from July 26-Aug. 1.

“It’s already a major holiday season for us, and beyond that, we have the Olympics,” says Stéphane Personeni, general manager of the Lily of the Valley hotel in Saint Tropez. “People began booking early this year.”

Personeni’s hotel typically has no issues filling its rooms each summer—by May of each year, the luxury hotel typically finds itself completely booked out for the months of July and August. But this year, the 53-room hotel began filling up for summer reservations in February.

“We told our regular guests that everything—hotels, apartments, villas—are going to be hard to find this summer,” Personeni says. His neighbours around Saint Tropez say they’re similarly booked up.

As of March, the online marketplace Gens de Confiance (“Trusted People”), saw a 50% increase in reservations from Parisians seeking vacation rentals outside the capital during the Olympics.

Already, August is a popular vacation time for the French. With a minimum of five weeks of vacation mandated by law, many decide to take the entire month off, renting out villas in beachside destinations for longer periods.

But beyond the typical August travel, the Olympics are having a real impact, says Bertille Marchal, a spokesperson for Gens de Confiance.

“We’ve seen nearly three times more reservations for the dates of the Olympics than the following two weeks,” Marchal says. “The increase is definitely linked to the Olympic Games.”

Worried about the hordes of crowds and overall chaos the Olympics could bring, Parisians are fleeing the city in droves and inundating resort cities around the country.
Getty Images

According to the site, the most sought-out vacation destinations are Morbihan and Loire-Atlantique, a seaside region in the northwest; le Var, a coastal area within the southeast of France along the Côte d’Azur; and the island of Corsica in the Mediterranean.

Meanwhile, the Olympics haven’t necessarily been a boon to foreign tourism in the country. Many tourists who might have otherwise come to France are avoiding it this year in favour of other European capitals. In Paris, demand for stays at high-end hotels has collapsed, with bookings down 50% in July compared to last year, according to UMIH Prestige, which represents hotels charging at least €800 ($865) a night for rooms.

Earlier this year, high-end restaurants and concierges said the Olympics might even be an opportunity to score a hard-get-seat at the city’s fine dining.

In the Occitanie region in southwest France, the overall number of reservations this summer hasn’t changed much from last year, says Vincent Gare, president of the regional tourism committee there.

“But looking further at the numbers, we do see an increase in the clientele coming from the Paris region,” Gare told Le Figaro, noting that the increase in reservations has fallen directly on the dates of the Olympic games.

Michel Barré, a retiree living in Paris’s Le Marais neighbourhood, is one of those opting for the beach rather than the opening ceremony. In January, he booked a stay in Normandy for two weeks.

“Even though it’s a major European capital, Paris is still a small city—it’s a massive effort to host all of these events,” Barré says. “The Olympics are going to be a mess.”

More than anything, he just wants some calm after an event-filled summer in Paris, which just before the Olympics experienced the drama of a snap election called by Macron.

“It’s been a hectic summer here,” he says.

Hotels and holiday rentals in some of France’s most popular vacation destinations say they are expecting massive crowds this year in advance of the Olympics.
AFP via Getty Images

Parisians—Barré included—feel that the city, by over-catering to its tourists, is driving out many residents.

Parts of the Seine—usually one of the most popular summertime hangout spots —have been closed off for weeks as the city installs bleachers and Olympics signage. In certain neighbourhoods, residents will need to scan a QR code with police to access their own apartments. And from the Olympics to Sept. 8, Paris is nearly doubling the price of transit tickets from €2.15 to €4 per ride.

The city’s clear willingness to capitalise on its tourists has motivated some residents to do the same. In March, the number of active Airbnb listings in Paris reached an all-time high as hosts rushed to list their apartments. Listings grew 40% from the same time last year, according to the company.

With their regular clients taking off, Parisian restaurants and merchants are complaining that business is down.

“Are there any Parisians left in Paris?” Alaine Fontaine, president of the restaurant industry association, told the radio station Franceinfo on Sunday. “For the last three weeks, there haven’t been any here.”

Still, for all the talk of those leaving, there are plenty who have decided to stick around.

Jay Swanson, an American expat and YouTuber, can’t imagine leaving during the Olympics—he secured his tickets to see ping pong and volleyball last year. He’s also less concerned about the crowds and road closures than others, having just put together a series of videos explaining how to navigate Paris during the games.

“It’s been 100 years since the Games came to Paris; when else will we get a chance to host the world like this?” Swanson says. “So many Parisians are leaving and tourism is down, so not only will it be quiet but the only people left will be here for a party.”

Don’t You Dare Call Me Without Texting First

‘Extremely annoyed.’ The etiquette of unexpected phone calls divides friends, families and co-workers.