Want Power? Stop Saying ‘Sorry’ So Much
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Want Power? Stop Saying ‘Sorry’ So Much

Apologies have become more of a reflex than a real expression of contrition and overusing them might be holding you back

By RACHEL FEINTZEIG
Tue, Oct 25, 2022 8:32amGrey Clock 4 min

Sorry, I’m just now seeing your email! (You sent it 15 minutes ago.)

Sorry that you completely misinterpreted that thing I said.

Sorry you just rammed into me with your grocery-store cart.

The apology is running amok in conversations and communications. We drop it indiscriminately, crying mea culpa for all manner of things we really shouldn’t be sorry for—and diluting the apologies that truly matter. Is it time to stop? Could we even cut back if we wanted to?

“I wasn’t really that sorry,” admits Louise Julig, a freelance writer in Encinitas, Calif., who found she was constantly apologising for the “delay” when replying to notes, even when there wasn’t much of a delay at all. “Why am I saying this thing? I don’t know.”

“Sorry” has lost its meaning, she realised, no longer a heartfelt declaration of remorse but a knee-jerk response. Now, faced with the blinking cursor of a blank email, Ms. Julig asks herself, did I legitimately miss something, or mess someone else up? If the answer is no, she’s not sorry.

“Don’t give away your power,” counsels Jeffrey Pfeffer, a professor of organisational behaviour at Stanford Graduate School of Business and author of a book about commanding authority at work. Apologising in business, especially when you’ve actually done something wrong, is just asking for trouble, he says.

People are never satisfied with an apology, he adds. Grovelling and exhibiting vulnerability only make you look weak and sink team morale.

Standing your ground comes with risks, he allows. You’ll piss some people off. You might not be liked. He thinks it’s worth it.

“You can either conform to what people want you to be, or you can decide that you are going to risk offending people,” he says. “Life is about trade-offs.”

When I searched my sent emails for the phrase, “Sorry for the delay,” the result was too many hits for Gmail to give me an exact count.

I tried, in the course of reporting this column, to cut back on my apologies. Mostly I failed, catching myself exclaiming sorry! when dialling in three minutes late for a call. A person I contacted for this piece apologised for only being available one of the days I suggested we chat, not the other. I flashed back to a clip of Taylor Swift, in which she apologises for “getting on her soapbox” about misogyny, then quickly catches herself.

“We’re, like, ‘Sorry, was I loud?’” the pop star says in “Miss Americana,” the Netflix documentary. “In my own house that I bought. With the songs that I wrote. About my own life.”

Words have consequences.

“Always feeling like you need to say ‘sorry’ makes you kind of feel like crap,” says Jen Fisher, the chief well-being officer for Deloitte. Last year, she logged her own apologies, flagging the ones that felt unnecessary and replacing them with expressions of gratitude.

Have to move a meeting? Try, “I appreciate your flexibility,” or “I’m grateful for your understanding,” she says. Remember that it’s not your responsibility to apologise for things out of your control, such as the weather or a client moving a deadline. Putting “sorry” on loop waters down the moments when you really do need to show remorse, she adds.

And of course, people often wield “sorry” to mean exactly the opposite, more a passive-aggressive insult than real contrition.

Shedding “sorry” can be empowering. Hannah Szabo grew up in Wisconsin, where—as in much of the Midwest, Canada and other regions—“sorry” sometimes serves as a conversation starter. She would drop one in during a pause in conversation, or when she felt uncomfortable.

Then she moved to Brazil. She was shocked to find that the students she was teaching barely apologised. At first, she was offended. Now, she basks in a culture without reflexive apologies.

Back in the Midwest on a recent trip, she almost grew angry when her mother apologised for accidentally sticking her seat belt in the wrong buckle.

“That does not qualify for a sorry, Mom,” she told her. “Take that back.”

Women apologise more than men, but a female co-worker’s apology doesn’t necessarily mean she’s claiming blame, says Deborah Tannen, a linguistics professor at Georgetown University. She might just be trying to get her work done with a dose of graciousness, for example smoothing over a misunderstanding with, “Sorry, what I meant was…”

“Everything we’re doing is on some level trying to show we’re a good person at the same time that we’re trying to accomplish something,” Dr. Tannen says.

When I message “So sorry to bug you…” to my boss before asking a question that’s a necessary part of both our jobs, I’m showing respect for power differentials at the office, Dr. Tannen notes.

Still, some misinterpret women’s apologies as incompetence. When British leader Liz Truss last week apologised “for the mistakes” in pushing a risky tax plan, it was met with calls to resign. A few days later, she did.

Be aware of how others respond when you use words of contrition, Dr. Tannen cautions. If colleagues call out your apologising, you might explain that you were just saying you were sorry a thing happened, and not sorry sorry. If you hear that feedback often, consider an audit like Ms. Fisher’s.

Kingston Vickers tried. After moving to Texas years ago, the native Canadian resolved to remove the “ehs” and “sorrys” from his vocabulary. Doing so consumed so much mental effort that he grew flustered when talking and wasn’t as effective at his sales job.

Now he embraces his proclivity for apologies, and says his work has benefited. Apologising for his clients’ struggles or when he’s about to make an ask of them, builds trust, he says. It’s also a way of showing empathy.

“People underestimate the power of a kind word nowadays,” he adds.



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High-voltage outlets, smart chargers, money-saving utility programs: what to know about charging EVs at home

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Things I miss about my local gas station:

That’s it. That’s the list. OK, fine, I did enjoy the communal squeegees.

This week marks six months since the grand opening of my home electric-vehicle charging station. Congrats to the whole team! (Me and my electrician.) Located between my garage door and recycling bin, it’s hard to beat for the convenience. And also the price.

If you’ve followed my ad-EV-ntures, you’re aware of my feelings about the hell that is public EV charging , at least before Tesla started sharing its Superchargers with its rivals. Truth is, I rarely go to those public spots. The vast majority of EV owners—83%—regularly charge at home, according to data-analytics company J.D. Power.

I already discovered many EV virtues , but I didn’t quite grasp the cost savings until I tallied up half a year of home-charging data. In that time, I spent roughly $125 on electricity to drive just under 2,500 miles. In my old car, that would have cost me more than twice as much—assuming gas held steady at around $3.25 a gallon . And I was charging through the winter, when electricity doesn’t stretch as far in an EV.

Rebates and programs from my state and utility company sweeten the deal. So I will be able to take advantage of discounted electricity, and offset the cost of my charger. The same may be available to you.

But first, there are technical things to figure out. A 240-volt plug? Kilowatt-hours? Peak and off-peak charging? While other people are in their garages founding world-altering tech companies or hit rock bands, I’m in there finding answers to your home-charging questions.

How to get set up

Sure, you can plug your car into a regular 120-volt wall outlet. (Some cars come with a cable.) And sure, you can also simultaneously watch all of Netflix while it charges. It would take more than two days to fill my Ford Mustang Mach-E’s 290-mile battery via standard plug, known as Level 1 charging.

That’s why you want Level 2, which can charge you up overnight. It requires two components:

• A 240-volt electric outlet. Good news: You might already have one of these higher-powered outlets in your house. Some laundry dryers and other appliances require them. Bad news: It might not be in your garage—assuming you even have a garage. I realise not everybody does.

Since my suburban New Jersey home has an attached garage, the install process wasn’t horrible—or at least that’s what my electrician said. He ran a wire from the breaker panel in the basement to the garage and installed a new box with a NEMA 14-50 outlet. People with older homes or detached garages might face trickier wiring issues—more of a “Finding NEMA” adventure. (I apologise to everyone for that joke.)

My installation cost about $1,000 but the pricing can vary widely.

• A smart charger. Choosing a wall charger for your car is not like choosing one for your phone. These mini computers help you control when to start and stop charging, calculate pricing and more.

“This is not something where you just go to Amazon and sort for lowest to highest price,” said Tom Moloughney, the biggest EV-charging nerd I know. On his website and “State of Charge” YouTube channel , Moloughney has reviewed over 100 home chargers. In addition to technical measurements, he does things like freezing the cords, to see if they can withstand wintry conditions.

“Imagine you are fighting with this frozen garden hose every time you want to charge,” he said.

One of his top picks, the ChargePoint Home Flex , was the same one my dad had bought. So I shelled out about $550 for it.

Just remember, if you want to make use of a charger’s advanced features—remote controls, charging updates, etc.—you’ll also need strong Wi-Fi in your garage.

How to save money

I hear all you money-minded WSJ readers: That’s at least $1,600 after getting the car. How the heck is this saving money? I assumed I’d recoup the charging-equipment investment over time, but then I found ways to get cash back even sooner.

My utility provider, PSE&G, says it will cover up to $1,500 on eligible home-charger installation costs . I just need to submit some paperwork for the rebate. In addition, New Jersey offers a $250 rebate on eligible charger purchases. (Phew! My ChargePoint is on the list.) If all is approved, I’d get back around $1,250. Fingers crossed!

I didn’t know about these programs until I started reporting on this. Nearly half of home-charging EV owners say they, too, are unaware of the programs offered by their electric utility, according to a 2024 study released by J.D. Power . So yes, it’s good to check with your provider. Kelley Blue Book also offers a handy state-by-state breakdown.

How to charge

Now I just plug in, right? Kinda. Even if you have a Level 2 charger, factors affect how many hours a fill-up will take, from the amperage in the wall to the current charge of your battery. Take Lionel Richie’s advice and plan on charging all night long .

It can also save you money to charge during off-peak hours.

Electricity costs are measured in kilowatt-hours. On my basic residential plan, PSE&G charges 18 cents per kWh—just 2 cents above the 2023 national average . My Mustang Mach-E’s 290-mile extended-range battery holds 91 kilowatt-hours.

Translation: A “full tank” costs $16. For most gas-powered cars, that wouldn’t cover half a tank.

And If I’m approved for PSE&G’s residential smart-charging plan, my off-peak charging (10 p.m. to 6 a.m. and weekends) will be discounted by up to 10.5 cents/kWh that I’ll get as a credit the following month. I can set specific charging times in the ChargePoint app.

Electricity prices fluctuate state to state but every expert I spoke to said no matter where in the country you live, home charging should cost less than half what gas would for the same mileage. (See chart above for a cost comparison of electric versus gas.) And as I’ve previously explained , fast charging at public stations will cost much more.

One big question: Am I actually doing anything for the environment if I’m just taxing the grid? Eventually, I’d like to offset the grid dependence—and cost—by powering my fancy little station with solar panels. Then, I’ll just be missing the squeegee.

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This stylish family home combines a classic palette and finishes with a flexible floorplan

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