Want Power? Stop Saying ‘Sorry’ So Much
Apologies have become more of a reflex than a real expression of contrition and overusing them might be holding you back
Apologies have become more of a reflex than a real expression of contrition and overusing them might be holding you back
Sorry, I’m just now seeing your email! (You sent it 15 minutes ago.)
Sorry that you completely misinterpreted that thing I said.
Sorry you just rammed into me with your grocery-store cart.
The apology is running amok in conversations and communications. We drop it indiscriminately, crying mea culpa for all manner of things we really shouldn’t be sorry for—and diluting the apologies that truly matter. Is it time to stop? Could we even cut back if we wanted to?
“I wasn’t really that sorry,” admits Louise Julig, a freelance writer in Encinitas, Calif., who found she was constantly apologising for the “delay” when replying to notes, even when there wasn’t much of a delay at all. “Why am I saying this thing? I don’t know.”
“Sorry” has lost its meaning, she realised, no longer a heartfelt declaration of remorse but a knee-jerk response. Now, faced with the blinking cursor of a blank email, Ms. Julig asks herself, did I legitimately miss something, or mess someone else up? If the answer is no, she’s not sorry.
“Don’t give away your power,” counsels Jeffrey Pfeffer, a professor of organisational behaviour at Stanford Graduate School of Business and author of a book about commanding authority at work. Apologising in business, especially when you’ve actually done something wrong, is just asking for trouble, he says.
People are never satisfied with an apology, he adds. Grovelling and exhibiting vulnerability only make you look weak and sink team morale.
Standing your ground comes with risks, he allows. You’ll piss some people off. You might not be liked. He thinks it’s worth it.
“You can either conform to what people want you to be, or you can decide that you are going to risk offending people,” he says. “Life is about trade-offs.”
When I searched my sent emails for the phrase, “Sorry for the delay,” the result was too many hits for Gmail to give me an exact count.
I tried, in the course of reporting this column, to cut back on my apologies. Mostly I failed, catching myself exclaiming sorry! when dialling in three minutes late for a call. A person I contacted for this piece apologised for only being available one of the days I suggested we chat, not the other. I flashed back to a clip of Taylor Swift, in which she apologises for “getting on her soapbox” about misogyny, then quickly catches herself.
“We’re, like, ‘Sorry, was I loud?’” the pop star says in “Miss Americana,” the Netflix documentary. “In my own house that I bought. With the songs that I wrote. About my own life.”
Words have consequences.
“Always feeling like you need to say ‘sorry’ makes you kind of feel like crap,” says Jen Fisher, the chief well-being officer for Deloitte. Last year, she logged her own apologies, flagging the ones that felt unnecessary and replacing them with expressions of gratitude.
Have to move a meeting? Try, “I appreciate your flexibility,” or “I’m grateful for your understanding,” she says. Remember that it’s not your responsibility to apologise for things out of your control, such as the weather or a client moving a deadline. Putting “sorry” on loop waters down the moments when you really do need to show remorse, she adds.
And of course, people often wield “sorry” to mean exactly the opposite, more a passive-aggressive insult than real contrition.
Shedding “sorry” can be empowering. Hannah Szabo grew up in Wisconsin, where—as in much of the Midwest, Canada and other regions—“sorry” sometimes serves as a conversation starter. She would drop one in during a pause in conversation, or when she felt uncomfortable.
Then she moved to Brazil. She was shocked to find that the students she was teaching barely apologised. At first, she was offended. Now, she basks in a culture without reflexive apologies.
Back in the Midwest on a recent trip, she almost grew angry when her mother apologised for accidentally sticking her seat belt in the wrong buckle.
“That does not qualify for a sorry, Mom,” she told her. “Take that back.”
Women apologise more than men, but a female co-worker’s apology doesn’t necessarily mean she’s claiming blame, says Deborah Tannen, a linguistics professor at Georgetown University. She might just be trying to get her work done with a dose of graciousness, for example smoothing over a misunderstanding with, “Sorry, what I meant was…”
“Everything we’re doing is on some level trying to show we’re a good person at the same time that we’re trying to accomplish something,” Dr. Tannen says.
When I message “So sorry to bug you…” to my boss before asking a question that’s a necessary part of both our jobs, I’m showing respect for power differentials at the office, Dr. Tannen notes.
Still, some misinterpret women’s apologies as incompetence. When British leader Liz Truss last week apologised “for the mistakes” in pushing a risky tax plan, it was met with calls to resign. A few days later, she did.
Be aware of how others respond when you use words of contrition, Dr. Tannen cautions. If colleagues call out your apologising, you might explain that you were just saying you were sorry a thing happened, and not sorry sorry. If you hear that feedback often, consider an audit like Ms. Fisher’s.
Kingston Vickers tried. After moving to Texas years ago, the native Canadian resolved to remove the “ehs” and “sorrys” from his vocabulary. Doing so consumed so much mental effort that he grew flustered when talking and wasn’t as effective at his sales job.
Now he embraces his proclivity for apologies, and says his work has benefited. Apologising for his clients’ struggles or when he’s about to make an ask of them, builds trust, he says. It’s also a way of showing empathy.
“People underestimate the power of a kind word nowadays,” he adds.
Early indications from several big regional real-estate boards suggest March was overall another down month.
Art can transform more than just walls—it shapes mood, evokes memory, and elevates the everyday. Discover how thoughtfully curated interiors can become living expressions of personal meaning and refined luxury, from sculptural furniture to bespoke murals.
Art can transform more than just walls—it shapes mood, evokes memory, and elevates the everyday. Discover how thoughtfully curated interiors can become living expressions of personal meaning and refined luxury, from sculptural furniture to bespoke murals.
Art can transform more than just walls—it shapes mood, evokes memory, and elevates the everyday. Discover how thoughtfully curated interiors can become living expressions of personal meaning and refined luxury, from sculptural furniture to bespoke murals.
Imagine a hushed hospital corridor, its sterile walls awash in the glow of flickering fluorescent lights. In that unexpected moment, a solitary Monet painting emerged—a luminous tableau of delicate lilies dancing in quiet defiance.
As the clinical austerity yielded to the graceful presence of art, this single work transformed into a vessel of solace and hope amid overwhelming uncertainty.
That moment continues to resonate with me—a vivid reminder that art transcends mere aesthetics to become a profound catalyst for emotional healing and inspiration. It is this transformative experience that fuels my passion as a biophilic interior designer.
I create environments where every element, from bespoke murals to sculptural installations, harnesses art’s power to elevate the human spirit, spark creativity, and enrich lives. Let us journey together into the world of luxurious interiors that define modern elegance.
At its core, art is a daily ritual that renews both mind and spirit. Scientific research consistently confirms that nature-inspired art reduces stress, lowers blood pressure, and kindles creativity.
The simple act of beholding a tranquil landscape or a subtle floral motif transforms your space into a private retreat, offering solace amidst a hectic world.
In my practice, I meticulously select artworks chosen not only for their aesthetic appeal but also for their potent, therapeutic benefits.
Each piece serves as daily inspiration—a quiet invitation to experience calm and well-being. For example, our Hilton project demonstrates how hospitality resorts integrate nature-inspired art not only for its visual impact but also as a medium of healing; here, a collaboration with a local artist produced a masterful installation that functions both as a statement piece and a source of well-being.
Luxury design is profoundly personal. Bespoke art transcends mass-produced décor by capturing your unique story—whether through a custom mural reminiscent of your favourite botanical garden or silk wallpapers that evoke the allure of exotic landscapes.
Each personalised creation turns your walls into a living narrative of cherished memories and distinctive taste. Consider how a thoughtfully designed space can reflect your individuality and elevate your living experience.
Art is not confined to two dimensions. Three-dimensional sculptural works bring vitality to interiors by adding depth, texture, and tactile allure.
Picture a gracefully sculpted piece—a marble table echoing the gentle rhythm of ocean waves or a repurposed bronze branch serving as an elegant room divider.
Such statement sculptures command attention while seamlessly integrating form with function and providing a natural conversation starter in any refined space.
A truly sophisticated home elegantly merges art with architecture. Imagine a residence where bespoke staircases curve with elegance, where hand-carved wooden doors evoke the intricate beauty of nature, and where expansive windows frame breathtaking vistas.
In these spaces, every architectural detail contributes to a cohesive canvas of artistic expression. As you envision your own home, consider how your surroundings can be thoughtfully designed to reflect both beauty and purpose.
In luxury interiors, even the functional becomes exceptional through artful design. Consider a one-of-a-kind, hand-carved pink marble swivel chair—a masterpiece where practicality meets refined craftsmanship.
More than just a piece of furniture, this chair sparks conversation and serves as an emblem of creative innovation and exclusivity.
Let this be a symbol of how every element in your home might reflect your dedication to exquisite artistry.
In an age defined by rapid technological advancement, digital art installations offer a contemporary twist on traditional forms.
High-resolution displays now present dynamic landscapes—a cascade of waterfalls, the quiet majesty of a forest, or a serene digital ocean vista—that adapt and evolve with your environment.
This modern element seamlessly aligns cutting-edge technology with timeless aesthetics, ensuring your space remains as innovative as it is elegant.
Luxury is often revealed in the details: the textures, colours, and fabrics that together create a haven of understated splendour.
Bespoke silk cushions with intricate botanical embroidery, sumptuous velvet throws that evoke tropical charm, and bedding that mirrors the ethereal beauty of cloudscapes all contribute to an atmosphere of refined elegance and comfort.
Every tactile detail is chosen to evoke warmth and stand as a testament to your taste for excellence.
In the realm of luxury, tradition and modernity exist in perfect harmony. Integrating timeless antiques—such as a rare Vladimir Kagan couch or a coveted Hans Wegner chair—with contemporary design creates a dialogue that honours both heritage and innovation.
These storied pieces carry with them a legacy of masterful craftsmanship, adding layers of significance and depth to your living environment. They remind us that true elegance is built upon a foundation of enduring quality.
Ultimately, art is the language through which you express your unique legacy.
Every carefully chosen piece reflects a part of your personal journey, turning your living space into a narrative as emotionally resonant as it is visually stunning.
It imbues your environment with memories, aspirations, and the essence of who you are—a living masterpiece that evolves with time.
Reflect on how these elements might not only beautify your home but also stand as timeless expressions of your personal story.
Now is the moment to immerse yourself fully in the joy of art. Elevate your surroundings and transform your residence into your greatest masterpiece.
Your heart, your legacy, and your space deserve nothing less than extraordinary artistry.
Ozge Fettahlioglu is the founder of Cocoplum | Biophilic Design Studio and Boxareno | Custom Modular Constructions. A wellness and biophilic design leader, she creates bespoke spaces that inspire, heal, and elevate daily living. Ozge is also a board member of Biophilic Cities Australia.
Screenwriter and TV producer Jeff Franklin built the lavish residence on the homesite where the 1969 Manson Family murders took place.
The Mayfair home, listed for £8.25 million, once belonged to the Earls of Lindsay.